A Relationship at Sea – A Look into Three Months

It’s been a while since I’ve written. It has been a rollercoaster the past month, and while I’m currently on a downward slope, I can almost see the beginnings of the return upward. It’s there, but that’s not what today’s discussion is about. It’s time for my update from the past month about what One of the hard things about navigating a long distance relationship is the fact so much of it has to be spent online and in a digital landscape. This has been even more particularly difficult with Lucas being away.

I don’t believe I have kept it a secret in the least that this experience has been difficult, and there are still a lot of days where things are easy and others where it’s really hard. Lately, it has been skewed towards being really hard, and that’s why this blog post will be written differently. We’re ditching the bullet points in lieu of talking a little more in-depth about how things have been on my end.

I have reached a point in this journey where I officially understand how and why this career path can be a relationship killer. It truly is not for the faint of heart, and it takes a special kind of person to sit and get through the struggles of worrying about what’s going on and the overall lifestyle. No amount of time being long distance fully prepares you for the worry and fear that comes with being with someone who spends or will spend half of their life at sea. You never fully know what’s happening because communication is limited, the variable hours between working hours and the changing of time zones is both frustrating and confusing, and the lack of connection as a couple grows more and more obvious.

It is not easy. And it’s terrifying when you start to see the seams starting to unravel. I’ll get to that later.

In some ways, Lucas is fortunate in the fact that he’s at sea, especially when he has particularly busy days. The slower days are a little harder, but the need to find entertainment or create it leads to a far easier distraction than what I have. I can almost hear the comments I’ve received in the past, “Well, you need to distract yourself.” I have long since moved past the smiling and being polite when it’s said and have decided to channel the new inner bluntness that I have learned to have in the past three years.

“What do you think I’m doing?” is generally my response. I know that particular response doesn’t resonate with people well, but three months of being told the same thing over and over gets to be a little draining. I think people forget there are a lot of hours in the day, and I can only do the same thing so many times before it becomes dull. My classwork doesn’t take me nearly as long as I thought it would, and I purposely draw it out as long as possible. Spending hours on the computer trying to work on my multiple novels gets to be a drain, and even despite having a ton of ideas, I’m drained, and it makes my eyes hurt. I’ve tried asking people to go out and do things, but I’m either left with no response or a promise to do something and then no follow-up when I try to ask. I can only play so many games before I get sick of them. I read a lot, having found a growing fascination in the Empyrean series by Rebecca Yarros, but there are only so many times I can read the book.

My birthday passed by as quietly as I thought it would, with the bonus of being extremely sick. I expected the well wishes I received, and I found myself disappointed by the ones I kind of expected not to receive. Luckily my being sick wasn’t Covid, but damn it, it sucked.

I can’t recall the last time I felt as terribly as I did. It was a mixture of extremely feverish and a head-splitting headache that I’m sure was partially induced due to stress. It’s not fun when your body decides to rebel against you and make what should be one of your happiest days not the best. I had certain expectations for my birthday, a certain level of appreciation that I was hoping for, that I just never received. It still hurts a month later, but all I can do is move forward.

I completed one of my classes for the semester just shy of the second month of this experience ending and was glad to see that I had full marks again. I started another class focusing solely on providing services and reference for children and young adults. It’s a fascinating class despite being far more self-guided than expected, but I’ve been fortunate to have another professor fascinated by the things that I write about. It’s nice to see that, to some degree, the ideas that I have moving forward in my career are well thought out and that I’m thinking outside the box. I don’t claim to be exceptionally innovative, but it’s been interesting to learn that my ideas so far aren’t typical and should be pursued further. Sometimes I bring those thoughts to the table, but other ideas I still need to think about to figure out how best to implement them. The fact I’m on the right track is a realization that’s both exciting and anxiety-inducing all at the same time, especially when I can see the end in sight.

In fact, I thought it was, but it seems life has decided I need to go in a different direction. I am okay with this. As I discussed with one of my colleagues, I’m comfortable with being uncomfortable, especially lately. I’m moving past letting the fear of the unknown hold me back and using it as the catalyst to propel me further in the direction I need to go. I truly have an incredible support network, and I’m surrounded by some amazing people.

But in the middle of all of this, there was a major disconnect happening that I wasn’t fully aware of until recently. Remember how I said how it’s terrifying to see the seams starting to unravel? This is that moment.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I was pulling back from the relationship, but with Lucas moving from North America and back to Europe, it was almost like a part of me left with him. I suppose that happens every single time we’re able to be together in person, but this was new. This was raw, and it was like a gaping hole was torn open, and until recently, I was worried that it was impossible to patch up. Nothing was worse than the acknowledgment of what was happening being noticed by Lucas before I even understood what was happening. Nothing is weirder than feeling like your life partner suddenly just feels like a friend. To make it worse, I didn’t know where to turn to for advice.

I attempted to speak about my situation in one of the long distance Discord servers I was in (before a situation was twisted to fit a narrative that never existed – surprisingly for the better on my end, I now realize) only to be told that it would be better just to end things. I swear I would be rich if I had a dollar for each and every time that I have been told that exact statement, amongst my obvious favorites that still haven’t stopped.

“Clearly you’re not cut out for this.”

“Not everyone is made for long distance.”

“You knew what you were getting into.”

Realizing that I was not going to get anywhere in that situation, I gave up on the conversation. It isn’t the first time I’ve gone to this group and have been given extremely unhelpful information. Someone at least tried to help, but that was overshadowed by multiple people not understanding the situation; that, or theorized with a complete third party that I spoke to, they would rather see me fail in my relationship than succeed. It’s an unfortunate reality that I have come to accept after going through past situations and putting pieces of a puzzle together that I didn’t even know I was solving.

I eventually decided to reach out in the Facebook group I joined for merchant mariner partners. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I just laid out things as best as I could – long distance (or variable distance as Lucas likes to call it now), me being in the US, Lucas in Europe with a European based shipping company and away right now; how do we get back to where we were and bring the spark back?

For the first time in what feels like a long time, since before this particular chapter started with Lucas’s career began, I finally felt validated in my feelings. Every single one of my fears and worries was finally okay. For just a moment, I wasn’t alone. People understood exactly what I was talking about and understood how hard this lifestyle is. It wasn’t immediately a case of being told to just leave to make things easier for both of us (which that never would), or that I knew what I was getting into. I was finally receiving genuine advice. The advice ranged from some NSFW suggestions, which still make me giggle when I think of them because I wasn’t expecting it, to things as simple as just writing letters and just remembering what the end goal is. Of course, there was the usual “you’re not cut out for this” comment that slipped through, but I’m brave enough to stick up for myself and say that I am cut out for it; this is just hard to do by myself when I know it’s difficult for others to understand.

It was nice to finally have someone (a few people, actually) tell me that everything I was feeling was normal, and it frequently happens on both ends. It’s just an unfortunate reality of this lifestyle, and a few said they were glad that I was looking into how to figure things out and wanting to fight for what we have. Most people don’t bother to fight or just give up, and I hate that I can say that I understand why. It can be extremely isolating when people don’t understand what you’re going through and, rather than offer advice, decide to tell you to take the easy way out.

All this to really say, at the end of the day, this is not a lifestyle that’s for everyone. I know that, but for others who might come across this blog post that are new or trying to learn more – it really is hard, and I see you. Even if you’re used to long distance, the reality of what experiences come up is extremely different than what was probably imagined. Our circumstances were fortunately skewed more in our favor, but the outside factors that we have dealt with have not been.

I still haven’t exactly found my home, and I’m learning that some of the people I thought I had aren’t actually there or supportive of me, but in the middle of it all, I think I’m finding my footing. It has taken some time, and there’s still a lot of room for change, but the important part has been the growth.

Here’s hoping the next month is smooth sailing.

Until next time.

With love from abroad,
Cat

Want to join a new community devoted to long distance relationships? Join the XO From Abroad Discord or stop by the XO From Abroad Facebook Group!