A Relationship at Sea – Four Months Down

I don’t know what it is or what exactly happened, but just entering month four it felt like there was an immediate shift. For the first time in literally months, things feel like where they first started – scary, but with the promise that everything would be fine. And things have been fine.

Back in my third month check-in, I mentioned being removed from a Discord server that was built around long distance relationship support. I believe I had been in the server for over a year – probably closer to two –and had built up a relationship with these people. I have joined a few over the course of being with Lucas, but this was the one I felt the most comfortable with. I’ve mentioned being a part of these groups a few times over the past few months, and this was one of the places I found understanding.

At the time, it hurt because I thought these were people who cared about me and were friends. After taking the time to think about it, I realized just how incredibly wrong I was. The signs were all there, and I should have seen them sooner. Something had changed in the server somewhere along the lines, and it’s a statement that’s been echoed by a few people I have spoken to outside of the server who were stunned by what had happened. There was a steady shift towards toxic positivity and extremist views that made things uncomfortable.

I can easily understand things becoming heated when mixing with different cultures and with people from all parts of the world, but there was a strong, inherent bias towards anything that didn’t seem “normal.” If you didn’t agree with what would be considered the largest clique in the server, you were automatically wrong, and you were demonized. Everything had to be extremely black and white with absolutely no grey area in the middle, and anything other than the majority’s viewpoint would lead to animosity.

In the end, I realize it was only a matter of time before the end result occurred. One of the last things I had mentioned in that server was that I was concerned about my feelings and worried about falling out of love. I had expressed that we had also had a major situation take place that hadn’t helped the situation, and there are two statements that stick out the most to me because they served no purpose.

“If this is how you feel, then you already felt this way before the issue ever came up.”

and

“You need to take a break and go no-contact with each other and decide if you even want to bother continuing a relationship.”

There was a comment made elsewhere that all I had done was complain about the situation since before it began so I just needed to accept that I wasn’t cut out for long distance, which I immediately questioned as I hadn’t brought anything up since after the first two weeks Lucas had been away. I also recall an instance where someone I considered a friend immediately came to complain about Lucas when she was the one who hurt his feelings by being particularly nasty when he was adjusting to his time away.

I couldn’t be happier that I’m no longer in this group.

Looking back on it now, the signs were truly all there, and many of my negative feelings were directly related to this server. I have had too many people come to me and complain about my relationship and tell me that I’m doing everything wrong when, as it turns out, I’ve been doing everything exactly right. The expectation that everything needs to be positive or that someone being upset needs to be a very specific type of upset doesn’t make for a good situation. When someone is looking for support while vulnerable, you expect to be lifted up and not shoved to the side or met with sarcastic comments.

I don’t think this group realizes that the comments that they made towards myself (and plenty of others) were extremely damaging. Some of the things being said were and are extremely harmful and could lead to potentially catastrophic situations. While I know having a thick skin is good to have online, there’s vulnerability when seeking out a support group.

But I’ll stop talking about it. Though it was a significant part of what we experienced the past few months, it will be the last time I ever speak of this situation, and I can say that I’m very happy about leaving that chapter behind.

Though I don’t believe that Lucas and I would have escaped some of our bigger issues over the past few months, I do believe that I would have felt a lot better if I had reached out for help in places that were genuinely supportive. It also now gives me a chance to promote my own long distance relationship Discord server – while it’s very new and very much a baby in the grand scheme of things, it will be and is exceptionally supportive. Just needs to gain some traction!

At the very least, the situation we went through only served to push Lucas and I closer together and put our priorities back in place. If the goal was to push us to end things, it’s safe to say that the goal was not met, and we now have a new inside joke that will send us into fits of giggles if either of us bring it up.

In other, much more happier news, Lucas and I were able to be with each other while he was in Baltimore. It was very much needed for both of us to reconnect and realign ourselves back to where we needed to be. Our relationship took some major hits over the past few months through no fault of our own, but it was enough that we were aware that we needed to see each other so that things could settle back into place. Talking can only do so much when hugs are needed, which was echoed in the Facebook group I am in.

The time we spent together was extremely short, and I would have loved to have a lot more time together. Just the instant connection that returned was one of the most intense things I’ve experienced in a long time. The last time I had felt things so strongly was probably the first time we met, where that excitement and joy felt fresh and new. While we’re always excited to see each other again, the manifestation of how each greeting occurs is different, and this meeting was so familiar that it’s a wonder I didn’t burst into tears. I can’t say that I did so well the second time we got to be together while he was in Baltimore, but at least the tears didn’t come until the last few hours we were together!

Each first hug is like coming home again, but it’s so hard to truly explain the feelings that came with this one. I’ll just say that I’m grateful that I was “home” for a little while, and we were able to slip into our arguably speaking, boring and much needed normalcy. Even though we still have some time until we reach the goal of closing the distance officially, I think we’ve both finally reached the point where we’re ready for it. We’re so ready for our own home and moving forward with our lives together. I think – I know – 2024 is going to involve a lot of big conversations. It’s equally as scary as it is exciting to realize that such big life moments are coming up.

I’ve always said that Lucas’s career path truly goes beyond the typical norms in terms of long distance because the premise and concepts are a lot different. Sure, you get used to being apart and missing normal things such as holding hands or being in a room together, but nothing prepares you for when the internet goes out and you’re left in silence. It’s hard to go from calls every single day only to realize that you need to wait for the next port where data is available or accept that the phone call you desperately want won’t ever come.

The merchant mariner career is a logistical nightmare for those in a relationship, but it’s a little more manageable when you learn to roll with it. I will never be someone who says that it’s easy, but there eventually comes an acceptance and understanding of what you can do to make things easier and cope.

At the very least I can prove many people wrong and that I can handle what comes my way and handle this lifestyle. I’m proud of myself for that, and I’m proud of how Lucas and I have grown over the past few months. We definitely entered this chapter of our lives together as entirely different people and we’re coming out of it completely different. I was worried about what that would mean in the beginning, but it turns out that the worry was for nothing and we’re back to being stronger than ever.

All that being said I can genuinely say that I’m so glad that we’re nearly at the end of this particular chapter. It has been an exceptionally unnecessarily long road with far too many lessons that didn’t need to be learned. With the end finally in sight, and a date for the end being known, I can safely say that we’ve accomplished a lot as both individuals and together.

I’m looking forward to seeing where things go next.

Until next time.

With love from abroad,
Cat

Want to join a new community devoted to long distance relationships? Join the XO From Abroad Discord or stop by the XO From Abroad Facebook Group!