When I wrote this blog post originally, the message within it was a lot different. It was one of wistful longings sandwiched between the realities of how things have been and where they were going. Oh, have things changed since the original version of things. But they’re welcome changes. Let’s get into it.
The last time I wrote on here outside of a book review, I left things off with the end of Lucas’s traineeship. For some reason I felt that after Lucas got home that’s where things would end. It felt like one chapter had ended, but the reality is it was still only just beginning. Or, at the very least, in the middle of undergoing the first chapter. We needed to learn to navigate (no pun intended) a life back on land for the first time and figure out what that new dynamic would be. After settling into a routine throughout the first five months it was time for us to figure out our “new normal.” Although, the more I think about it, the more subjective the word “normal” sounds when it comes to our relationship. I hardly think there is a true “normal” for us. All the same, we needed to figure things out once more and take another glimpse into what life could be like together.
While Lucas was away, we were both allowed to “grow together but separately” as I say we do often. Lucas started on a long-awaited dream while I continued to work on mine. We had room to figure out ourselves both personally and professionally while also discovering the realities of what our lives together would be like. It was daunting, which we expected, but we found ways to make things work. We discovered the things that were most important to us and took note of the things we wanted to consider for the future. Ultimately we discovered by the end of the five months that we could handle everything as long as we kept our communication open as best as we could for our circumstances. I learned how to figure out the constantly shifting time zones, growing an almost sixth sense after several Atlantic crossings. I relished in the times we were able to be on nearly the same schedule because we were in the same time zones, though frequently not close to each other. I very quickly learned to adjust to the uncertainty of changing schedules while at sea and in the port due to changing needs on board. But the transition into life back on land wasn’t as easy as I expected it to be.
It was absolutely no one’s fault, but it was difficult to make the shift to rediscovering what life could be for us, and for a while, I felt lost. It was a different kind of lost, fueled by the uncertainty of readjusting to the next part of our journey.
We had grown to have a routine where we both knew where we would hear from each other and had dedicated time to ourselves where provided the internet at sea or in the port worked well, we could catch up and enjoy each other’s company. We missed the calls of course, but we made it work even when there would be long moments of nothing because the internet would cut out completely. I knew that I would have to take a step back the moment Lucas got back on land, but I didn’t expect how things were. I frequently felt left out as everyone else pulled Lucas’s attention, which I expected and encouraged, but it was hard still having to wait for the connections I was hoping for. It was difficult on both ends for different reasons; having to try and stretch a single person between multiple people competing for attention isn’t easy. So, I did what I’ve always done as much as it hurt; I stepped back and waited and allowed myself to be selfish in the moments that I could.
It certainly didn’t help that Lucas’s return also seemed to coincide with multiple big events at the same time.
I don’t believe things truly leveled out until Lucas moved for school. That seemed to provide a shift that we needed and has more or less brought us to a point where we needed to be. It wasn’t perfect, but there was stability and comfort in having a new routine. I’ll discuss more about that in a different post on a different day.
As for me, well…the reason I never got around to posting the original blog post I wrote is that a lot changed. And quickly.
Over the course of this year and since Lucas has been home, I have been working on completing my Master’s degree. In between that, I’ve had job interviews sprinkled in. There have been far more tears than expected and a lot more growing pains than strictly necessary. I suppose that’s just how life is, though.
The first half of my final semester started well. Things were hopeful and exciting with my final semester beginning. I had new promotional prospects that fit in line with my career path, and each new interview was exciting. I was throwing my name into the ring and seeing what would stick, and I was enjoying it. I was enjoying my course work and even though I wasn’t having much luck with my interviews, I was doing it. I didn’t take things too hard because I knew I did my best, and I was going in with whatever I could bring. All of this felt rewarding, especially since I was maintaining my grades at a level that made me proud of myself especially while taking on accelerated courses, still. Things felt easy and things felt right.
The second half of my semester and the way things were going felt the exact opposite.
It felt like all at once things took a turn. My classwork grew more difficult, and I wasn’t sure what I was doing or how to do it. I was feeling exceptionally defeated with moving forward and it didn’t feel like I was going in the right direction. For the first time, I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing and whether I was in the right career path. Massive seeds of doubt were laid in my thoughts, and I genuinely felt that I was wasting my time and that I wasn’t where I needed to be. I decided I wouldn’t stop putting myself out there, but I’ll admit I wasn’t feeling as hopeful or as great as I was before.
Just before leaving to be with Lucas, a new position that I was interested in was posted. I still laugh when I think about it, because if I had $5 for everyone who reached out to me regarding this position, well…I certainly wouldn’t be rich, but I would have made some money. Either way, I hesitated because I wasn’t sure if I could apply because 1. I would be away, and 2. I wasn’t sure if I would even be able to interview. But there was a big part of me that wanted to apply because it was a position that doesn’t come along frequently, and at the very least it would be worth a try. Needless to say after quite a few discussions, I decided to apply. What was the worst that could happen?
Imagine my surprise that while strolling through the Berlin Zoo, a gelato in hand and discussing making plans with a friend of ours the next day, I receive an e-mail asking me to interview for the position a few days later. The panic was immediate as I tried to line up our plans with the date and times available, relieved to find that we would at least be in one place so that I could interview. Imagine my even bigger surprise that after interviewing in an entirely different country– I got the job!
Just that singular (although momentous) change effectively altered a major component of my previously written post. And it’s equal parts exciting and terrifying. Mostly exciting, actually. Things are going the way that I’ve been dreaming of. I think I can say that Lucas feels the same way, even if the journey is a little slower than we both anticipated. It’s exciting, and we both know it’s going to involve adjusting to the newness of this particular change, but we’ve handled much more difficult scenarios. I’m sure there will be more growing pains, but we’ll get it figured out.
But with that being said, it does still bring me to an important component of the original post – what’s next?
One of the bigger things I want to do is start posting on here more frequently while also posting more on my social media. I’m not sure it’s worth investing in TikTok right now, but I have eventual hopes for YouTube at some point.
I have several posts started already that I have yet to finish but plan to. We still have some big things to talk about, and as time goes on, I want to talk more about the steps we’re taking in our relationship. We’re not alone in this journey, but sometimes it can feel isolating with how complicated things can become. I hope that someday someone will come across our story and feel a little less alone.
I want to continue my little book club and write more about the books I’ve been reading. Books are such a fundamental part of my life that I can’t imagine not sharing more about what I’ve been reading.
I also really want to write more about my travels! The adventures I have had with Lucas have been incredible, and I want to write more about them. I’m sure that I’ll write about our most recent adventures soon.
But for now, I just need a little bit more time to decompress. The jetlag hit me particularly hard this past trip, and I’m still processing such big life changes. Hopefully I’ll get myself together a little sooner rather than later.
Until next time.
Want to join a new community devoted to long distance relationships? Join the XO From Abroad Discord or stop by the XO From Abroad Facebook Group!
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