Today marks exactly 31 days since Lucas left for his apprenticeship, meaning that he has nine months total left of being at sea. Even though there are still a few more days until he has hit a full month at sea, the day is close enough to say that we’re at 1/5 of the way through his first apprenticeship, and wow, have I already learned a lot. In fact, I’ve learned so much that it’s impossible to include in one post. I know Lucas has, too. Being in a long distance relationship with the added factor of a partner at sea is a special challenge.
When embarking on this new chapter in our lives, I truly wasn’t sure what to expect. In fact, neither of us were. We were provided information that (luckily) wasn’t true, and we had based a lot of our expectations on what we had in mind and the information we were presented. While the information we had wasn’t correct, and a lot of this experience is different than expected and works slightly more in our favor, it hasn’t all been perfect. It’s definitely not easy and there are still days where they’re harder than others, but we are learning and growing together as best as we can.
During this time, there have been some key takeaways that I have learned over the past month that I would like to share.
Things can change and change quickly – with everything.
I think in the past month, I have been tested in so many ways and in ways that I was never expecting as the partner on land and trying to figure out what’s going on. The hardest moments were definitely in the period of waiting in between Lucas signing onto his ship and waiting for him to get his internet set up. Since it was his first time on board with his company, none of his information was entered into the system which led to a delay in communication. Combine that with the fact that Lucas needed to acclimate himself to his new surroundings and work on finding his way around his ship, well…it was a rough time all around.
Not knowing what was going on after he left his hotel, all while he had no international roaming on his phone, made things a bit chaotic. I had never realized that silence could be loud until having to wait to hear back. It was hard not to send him about a million messages just to send him messages, but I’m glad that I didn’t. It was appreciated.
The other thing that I learned very quickly is that routes can change and change quickly. I believe in the span of 24 hours I was presented several different possibilities of where Lucas’s next port of call would be. The ship goes where it’s needed next, and while I’m not entirely sure what happened, it turned out his ship would be rerouted to a different port – they just weren’t sure just yet.
There is also the situation of dealing with changing work shifts, shifting time zones, and dealing with finicky internet while moving. In the moments that Lucas and I have been able to talk, there have been many instances of the internet connection just dying which isn’t great in the middle of important conversations. This leads me to my next point…
Patience and communication are incredibly key.
The situation is rough on both ends. While we are fortunate enough to be well-versed in the concept of being long distance, the haywire internet isn’t the best. Even though we can technically say that we’re also used to internet that likes to go positively bonkers, we’re used to having the option of switching from wifi to data to make up for the lapse. Unfortunately, this isn’t an option while Lucas is out at sea, and it makes things difficult.
Conversations are often disjointed, usually meaning that we’ll write something to the other knowing that it will be hours before the message will be answered. Between Lucas’s schedule and crossing time zones, there is never a fully clear answer into when a response will be received. We also have to get used to talking almost entirely through text again, which, when it comes to very important conversations, doesn’t always end well. While there was a time that we weren’t doing calls with each other for whatever reason, it’s been a very long time since we’ve handled that scenario. We’re very wildly out of practice with the art of just having to type with each other.
It’s very difficult to come across a conversation that has a big misunderstanding and have to sit with whatever feelings come up until a message comes up that eventually clears things up.
I think, for the most part, we have more or less mastered the art of communicating with each other again and having that patience, but there are days when it’s definitely hard. Tensions and emotions can run high, but when we can backtrack and remember the end goal, then we can settle back into our rhythm.
I have a lot to learn about this career path – and that’s okay.
I genuinely can’t forgive myself for not fully understanding what role Lucas will have after his apprenticeship, especially after he has told me repeatedly. To this day I still haven’t figured out what sort of thought process I’ve had to make me not fully understand. However, I suppose I consider it a small blessing in disguise as it’s taught me to start asking more questions so that I can understand.
I know that when the conversation about Lucas’s career came up, I honestly could admit to him that I wasn’t sure what questions to ask. I wanted to ask questions so that I could understand better, but I felt lost about what to ask. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know what he would be doing or what he was learning in school, I just never had the foundation to base my questions on. It’s one thing to be aware that there is a lot of theory involved, but it’s considerably different to know what the practical aspects entail.
With Lucas on his apprenticeship, I finally can learn alongside him, to some degree, and gain a better understanding of what everything involves. I know that Lucas thinks that the things that he’s doing, especially if it’s repetitive, is boring, but I genuinely find it interesting. I find myself fascinated in what I imagine are exceptionally mundane tasks to a mariner, and while I get overly anxious over some of the training drills Lucas has to do, I can also appreciate them for what they are. Even though some of the things I learn terrify me, I also find comfort in knowing that he’s learning how to approach emergency situations so that everyone can be safe.
It’s sometimes hard to shift balances within the relationship.
There are days when it’s difficult to shift priorities within our relationship. I think it’s safe to say that this is something that happens in all relationships, but this has been a little harder than expected. This has been noticeably the most difficult when trying to ensure that the person who needs more support at that exact moment is getting it. It feels like we’re a well-oiled machine on good days, reading each other and knowing what exactly is needed, but on the bad days, it’s like walking a tightrope where both of us are off balance. It’s a skill that we have learned over time while long distance, but adding in the terrible internet and mismatched schedules, our jobs aren’t always the easiest.
We still do whatever we can, but unfortunately, there have been moments where a disconnect has been created. Luckily the moments of disconnect have been few and far between, and I believe we have been managing well considering our circumstances. But it still hurts when the not-so-great moments come up.
Like in my last post, about my tips for handling a long distance relationship, the most important thing we’ve held onto is the fact it’s us against the world. Our relationship is incredibly important to us, and that is what we choose to focus on while still working on our current goal of living separately, but together.
People have a lot to say, and they will have no problem saying it.
Nothing has been worse than trying to discuss my situation within support groups for those in a long distance relationship only for people to come back and say, “Well, you knew what you were signing up for.”
Amongst the other comments I have received over the past month, I have also been told:
- You should tell Lucas to stop telling you things because it only makes things worse.
- If you’re so unhappy, why are you together?
- You should be doing [insert task here] instead of caring about what’s going on.
- You’re not distracted enough, go do something.
These are only a few of the things that have been said to me, and none of it has been particularly helpful. For the most part, all I have wanted to do is vent about what things are like, and especially in the beginning when everything was new, it was hard.
I felt even worse when Lucas experienced the same treatment. It’s been one thing for me to deal with hearing it from others, but it was another when he found himself in the middle of what I had been explaining to him. It wasn’t a nice situation, and I know I wasn’t the direct cause of it, but it still made me feel guilty as if I was the one to have said any of the above.
It’s unfortunate that this new chapter has made me realize who truly cares and who just doesn’t want to listen. The comment of being told I knew what I was signing up for is the one that hurts the most because yes, I did know what I was signing up for, but that doesn’t make it easy. I would like to think that if I’m in a place to vent, I can vent.
That hasn’t been the case.
It has certainly been a month of discovery in our relationship, and a month that has taught some major lessons. Some have been nice to learn while others haven’t been the best. Over the next few months, I will continue to do these check-ins. Hopefully, I’ll be able to change the format and talk more about the day-to-day, but we will see! Much like everything else, things are bound to change, and it’s just a matter of going along with things and seeing what comes next.
Until next time.
With love from abroad,
Cat
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