Sometimes when I think about how Lucas and I finally got together, I find myself backtracking and thinking about the conversations we had before we ever even got together. We were fast friends with seemingly no topic off limit. I remember an early conversation that was had, not just with myself, but with the same friend group that I talked about in our story, and how Lucas was insistent that he would not only not be in a relationship, but if he was, it would have to be long distance. For me, the idea of a relationship was the furthest from my mind. The idea of a long distance relationship? I had no idea.
As time went on, we eventually moved on to discussing things as seemingly innocuous comments of how a long distance relationship would work. Was it something I would consider? We already knew that Lucas was aware that with his career path it would be a certainty, but was it something I would ever do?
I can’t say that I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Would it be ideal? Absolutely not. But the question reminded me that if I were to get into a long distance relationship, it was with only one person in mind.
Who would have guessed that not long after those conversations we would be here three years later?
Never at any point did we have the discussion in a full-blown conversation where we talked about all of the details. It was never something that we really had to do as we had the discussions before we ever got together. Luckily it was done naturally and in the comfort of friends in a way that there was no pressure, but some of the things in this post are important things to consider.
Do you want to be in a long distance relationship? Could you handle being in a long distance relationship?
I think that opening up with this question is one of the most vital things that you can do for yourself. This is also a question that your potential partner needs to ask themselves as well. It’s no secret that long distance relationships are challenging. You must learn to live with yourself and understand that you’re living two separate lives while together, while also extending an incredible amount of patience, and most importantly, trust.
You must understand and accept the fact that so many important milestones will be missed for one reason or another. You’re not going to be able to call up your partner and ask for them to drive over and have them there in an hour or less. When you’re looking for a hug or a shoulder to cry on, that is something you’ll have to muddle through mostly on your own.
Already sounding awful to you? Then chances are a long distance relationship isn’t for you.
To make matters worse, not only are long distance relationships challenging, they’re also expensive. Between flights, hotels, food, and whatever else you might need to consider, the costs add up.
You’ve decided that you can handle long distance? Great! Do your views line up with your potential partner where you can say that you’re compatible?
This is a question that might take some time to answer. Even if you’ve decided that you’re okay with long distance, you need to sit down and figure out if your views line up and that you’re both on the same page. As awkward as some conversations might be, it’s important to figure things out such as whether you’re dating for the long term or if you’re just looking for something “in the moment.”
If you’re looking for something long term, then it’s a good idea to figure out whether your thoughts align on things like marriage, children, finances and religion. These are big questions to try and figure out right at the beginning of your relationship, but it won’t do anyone any favors if you go months (or even years) down the line thinking that you’ll be married and have three kids with your partner only to learn they never want to get married and never want children. Perhaps you both have two very different lifestyle views – one person preferring to be frugal while the other wanting to live in the lap of luxury even if they can’t actually afford it.
Before getting into a long distance relationship, I really recommend that you sit and find out the answers to these questions first. You really need to dig down and think about what’s important to you because it’s better to figure it out before anything begins.
Awesome, moving along. Can you make plans to close the distance? Are those plans realistic?
Closing the distance is one of the most important things that a long distance couple can do and after thinking and discussing all of the above, this should be an early conversation. You’ve already had the awkward conversation of marriage and your future family life and you’re fine with long distance, but now you need to consider the nitty gritty.
One of the hardest things about closing the distance isn’t necessarily the question of “when” but more the question of “how” and “where.”
In most cases, closing the distance means that one partner has to move to the other, but who will it be? Do either partner actually want to move? What does it mean if one person moves versus another? What is the citizenship process? Can you handle the costs associated with getting residency permits and moving? Are you able to follow the timelines and be okay with the fact that the process of moving and residency can take a really long time?
There are a lot of things to consider and can also be a point of contention in the relationship, especially if one partner really doesn’t want to move to the other’s country. You need to be willing to compromise if you want your relationship to work, and for some this involves moving to a third country where both partners go through the process together.
You have to take the time to research your options to figure out how to move forward correctly. It’s a lengthy process.
Decided that everything is ready to go? Cool. Are you okay with the fact that many people will not understand your relationship?
Before getting into a long distance relationship, I never realized just how judgmental people can be about them. I’ve obviously come across plenty of videos and equally as many social media posts and articles against long distance relationships, but it’s a whole different situation when these comments come from people that you know. Are you willing to not only defend your relationship to others, but also stick up to your friends and family who might not understand?
It’s not impossible to deal with, but it can be frustrating when people decide to make comments about how your relationship “isn’t real” or having to listen to the ceaseless comments of being in a “fake relationship.” Even when they do accept your relationship, you’ll run into the issue of your peers often not fully understanding what it is you’re going through which makes receiving advice a unique challenge in its own.
It’s an unfortunate reality, but it’s manageable. As long as you go into your relationship realizing it will truly be you and your partner against (most of) the world, you’ll do okay!
This next question is for those who are never mets – do you have plans to meet or will you be able to meet?
For never mets, meeting is a crucial aspect to a long distance relationship. There are so many different ways that people can meet, and with the rising usage of dating apps, more people are meeting online more than ever. Depending on how you first “met” online, there’s a possibility that you aren’t able to meet as easily as you’d hoped. Whether this is because of work schedules and living across the state from each other or live on entirely different continents, meeting can sometimes be difficult. In some instances, perhaps due to visa requirements, it can be near impossible.
However, this is important for never mets to do. The recommendation is the sooner the better, but every relationship is different. Meeting in person gives you the opportunity to finally put together the full picture of your partner in ways that feel silly to consider. You’re finally able to see how your partner walks and interacts with the world around them. You finally get to hear their real voice that isn’t filtered through the digital distortion of a phone or video call. You get to truly see the person that you’re with.
But this also means you might discover things that you might not like about your partner that you wouldn’t know otherwise. When you spend time with your partner in person, you might realize that your personalities don’t mesh together, or that their lifestyle isn’t what you imagined.
Meeting is crucial to seeing if your relationship should continue.
Entering a long distance relationship should be something that involves a lot of thought and a lot of conversation. Love can do a lot, but it can’t do everything, and the truth is that not everyone can handle the realities of what a long distance relationship involves. There are a lot of things that you need to think about and the work is never-ending. Both partners need to go into the relationship knowing that it won’t be easy and there are going to be many days where it will feel like everything is impossible.
But once you find your rhythm and decide that you can make it work and choose to make it work, a long distance relationship can be rewarding.
Until next time.
Want to join a new community devoted to long distance relationships? Join the XO From Abroad Discord or stop by the XO From Abroad Facebook Group!
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