One of the worst pieces of advice with long distance relationships that I have ever come across came from a video that Lucas and I watched very early on in our relationship. We were determined to make things work no matter what, and around one month in, on one of our “dates” we decided to browse the internet and see what information we could find. I can only vaguely remember Lucas pulling up the video and us watching it and its contents, but I can vividly recall the rection we both had which was stunned.

The advice in question? Talk to your partner only once a week.

The video was made by an apparently very popular LDR YouTube couple at the time, and to this day, it’s advice that I both don’t understand and also do not recommend. While it might have worked for them and their relationship, it’s not the type of information that I would share and have other couples going in and expecting. At first, we thought this was just for phone calls, but they went on to say absolutely no contact whatsoever for a week (or even more). In order for a relationship to thrive, they insisted that it was important that communication was kept to a bare minimum and reserved for when they’re together in person.

Of course, there are extraordinary circumstances, such as couples where one or both partners don’t have internet access, such as with seafarers (like me) or those in the military (many others I know), but even then, in most cases – not all – there is some form of communication. It might be extremely disjointed and not consistent, but a message here and there makes a huge difference, especially if you’re aware of the circumstances.

While every relationship is different, there are key components that all long distance relationship should have. To try and stray away from the other lists that exist, I want to give you all my personal top five tips to making long distance relationships work. These are the five things that Lucas and I have focused on throughout our relationship from day one, so I hope that these help you on your long distance journey, as well!

My Top 5 Tips to Making Long Distance Relationships Work

Build trust and have patience early in your relationship.

Being able to trust your partner is one of the most important things that you can do while in a long distance relationship. Regardless of whether you’re just starting out as long distance or have been long distance for the entirety you’ve known each other, if you don’t have trust, then your relationship is doomed to fail. It’s a relationship killer in person, but with the unique situation of not seeing each other every day, it’s important to have an incredible amount of trust in your partner. You have to trust them to do the right things and your partner has to trust you to do the same.

It is equally as important to have patience with yourself and your partner while long distance, as well. Not every day is going to go exactly as you want it to, and sometimes emotions and tempers can flare. For those who have started off exclusively as long distance, having patience feels easy and as if you’ll always be able to have it as you’re running from the high of being in the honeymoon period. While you should soak in every bit of the honeymoon period after starting a relationship, it’s important to also work on the skills that will keep your relationship thriving. For those who have been in person and are moving to long distance, you will be able to understand this a little easier.

Gathering the skills of patience and understanding early on in your relationship helps to lower the potential of having a hurt partner or having bigger issues later on. That’s not to say that someone won’t be hurt later down the line for one reason or another, whether it’s a missed call or “date” night or meet up plans having to change. It’s not easy, which leads me to my next tip.

Remember that it’s you two supporting each other, not fighting against each other. It’s you two against the world.

Long distance is hard. Very hard.

People are going to give their opinions left and right, and it’s not very enjoyable to have to listen to. There are also going to be a lot of people who won’t understand your relationship and be very vocal about it. I will write a blog post at some point talking about all of the things that people have said to me; it’s not pretty.

There are going to be days where everything feels impossible. The distance feels particularly long and like the miles between you feel like they’re growing instead of shrinking. Nothing is going right, everything feels like a mess, and all you want is to be with your partner. You want to be with the one person who makes you feel the best, but you are also left with the realization that being together is not that simple.

When you feel your emotions reeling and going in all different directions, sometimes we also wind up taking those out on the ones that are closest to us. Often times, this is our partner, regardless of whether we mean to or not.

I will never say that Lucas and I are not perfect, and we have absolutely taken things out on each other. Someone will make what feels like an idle comment and have things spiral out into who knows what. Eventually we hit a wall and when we do, that’s when we realize that we have no idea what we’re fighting about. This is around the time that we finally come to our senses and can backtrack and get to the actual root of whatever is going on.

We both know the difficulties of long distance relationships, but sometimes it really does feel impossible, and if we’re fighting for whatever reason, chances are it’s because we need reassurance. Most times, the issue that comes up has absolutely nothing to do with something that either of us have done, and that’s the important part to focus on. It’s nothing wrong with the relationship itself, it’s the distance at play.

So, my fellow LDR couples – remember, it’s you two against the world. You can do hard things.

Make set times to devote just to each other.

Ensuring that you have time together and just to each other is very important and probably more important than you think. It’s one thing to share messages throughout the week, but it’s another to have devoted time to each other and your relationship to help maintain the bonds that you already have.

This time together doesn’t have to be exceptionally long, but enough to allow yourselves to have true quality time.

The phrase “quality over quantity” is one that holds very true in the LDR community especially when considering the circumstances needed to put everything together. You have to hold date nights over multiple devices, whether that’s over the phone, a service like Discord, or other video and messaging calling software. You often have to compete with entirely different time zones and other logistics that other couples don’t have to worry about. You have to worry about whether one or both internet connection is working correctly so that you’re able to talk, or, if you have something else planned like watching a movie or tv show, that whatever media you’re enjoying isn’t a broken mess the entire time.

Whether that time together is 10 minutes every day or several hours one day a week, it’s important (and appreciated) to put that time aside just for your partner and your partner alone. If, for whatever reason, this time together needs to be changed, always be sure to let your partner know as soon as possible what’s going on and reschedule for the next possible moment you are both available. You don’t want to leave your partner guessing at what is happening or why you are suddenly not available for your usual time together.

I know that this is particularly difficult for those in what I consider extraordinary and not typical situations. In these instances, it’s important to make plans to cope with the inability to have specially devoted time together. This involves extra work and a conversation on what things you prioritize in your relationship, but it can be done!

Have an open and honest communication with each other.

One of the only things that you have in a long distance relationship is communication. You don’t have the luxury of seeing each other every single day or having the advantage of physical touch, so you need to make do with what you have – talking.

Much like everything else in long distance relationships, sometimes this isn’t easy. It’s hard to be vulnerable with others, especially when it’s not that hard to be pessimistic over the state of the world. However, the more open and honest you are, both with yourself and your partner, the better it is.

You need to be prepared to have difficult conversations very early on. You have to be honest about what you want out of your relationship right at the start, whether you are just dating to date or whether your end goal is marriage. The logistics behind long distance often mean figuring out things early, especially if you are planning to eventually close the distance. Some people are just looking for someone to be with to pass the time versus looking for a life-long commitment, and that’s okay! But you have to have these conversations early to ensure that you are both on the same page.

This also means having conversations about things such as whether you want children, whether your religious and political views line up, and other difficult conversations such as whether your financial goals and how you approach money at the same. Of course, these aren’t the only topics to discuss, but they are important conversations to have. All of the things that you would learn about someone in person over time through dates have to almost be accelerated.

If you feel that something is wrong in your relationship, it’s important to bring it up when the situation arises. It’s not a fun thing to do, but the earlier you tackle an issue, the better. Just remember point 2 – it’s you two against the world, and your partner wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. If something feels wrong, mention it and talk it through together! The more you keep your conversations open, the better it is in the long run.

Set meaningful goals together.

The first goal I recommend setting is meeting each other. It’s a big goal, and it’s an important one. This doesn’t mean push aside everything else that you need to take care of, but as a couple, that first meeting sets some major groundwork for the future of your relationship. It gives you the opportunity to see how you both interact in person and just have the enjoyment of being together and not stuck behind a screen.

In addition to working towards the big goal of meeting, it’s important to set personal goals for yourself, too. Whether this is finishing (or even starting) an education program of sorts, fitness goals, or goals relating to hobbies; any little goal that you can work towards and have support on is incredible to have! Set those goals together so that you have someone who will be there to support you all the while.

Outside of those goals, the biggest one I recommend setting is the goal of closing the distance. There are a lot of little steps that come along with such a feat, such as saving money, deciding where you want to move to, and then following the steps needed to do so. In some cases this involves marriage or in somewhat simpler cases where it’s not required, at least moving to whatever country is chosen. Whatever it is you choose, it’s important to make sure you set goals within the big goal to get to where you need to be.

It feels nice to check things off of the figurative list that you have together because it’s one step closer to reaching the finish line!

Bonus tip #6 from Lucas: enjoy the journey.

I can say it over and over again and be a broken record in saying that long distance relationships are difficult. They involve stretching yourself to your limits in ways that you didn’t think possible and bring you to your breaking point more times than you can count. A long distance relationship isn’t a nice easy walk in the park, it’s a marathon that you need to take slowly and at your pace. In the meantime, enjoy the journey and enjoy all of the little things that bring you together.

Bonus tip #7: don’t let others define your relationship for you.

Every relationship is different and that holds true even for long distance relationships. We come from all different walks of life and have different stories and cultures that make up who we are as people and who we are in relationships. What’s important to one long distance couple might not be important to you or your relationship. Or, certain advice and tips won’t make sense for your relationship. For example, I know that tip number 3, while it worked very well for us for nearly three years doesn’t work in entirely the same way while Lucas is out at sea. That’s totally okay! For us, our definition of “closing the distance” changes depending on how we want to view it, and for others, they don’t agree with it. That’s totally okay, too, because we choose to ignore it and appreciate that our relationship is unique and that other’s don’t have to understand it.

These are only a few of the tips that I’ve gathered along the way, but I hope that they help in some way. Every relationship is different, and it’s up to you and your partner to decide what’s important and how you want to prioritize different things in your relationship. What worked for us might not work for you, and that is totally okay! All that matters is at the end of the day, you find you and your partner find yourself in a loving, healthy, and trusting relationship.

Let’s try something a little different and let me end this post with a question of my own.

If you were to give someone in a long distance relationship advice, what would it be? Drop your advice in the comments!

With love from abroad,
Cat

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